Showing posts with label family in crisis. Show all posts
Showing posts with label family in crisis. Show all posts

Thursday, March 25, 2021

Does the person in your life know you love them?

PTSD Patrol and Wounded Times
Kathie Costos
March 25, 2021

Does the person in your life know you love them? If you have PTSD and you are not talking to them about what is going on with you, then they will think you just don't love them anymore. Today the featured video is Bonnie Raitt, I Can't Make You Love Me because there have been too many conversations from women giving up on their marriages and relationships with veterans.

This can apply to husbands, because we also have to face the fact that there are female veterans too. It can apply to anyone with PTSD in a relationship because you are leaving them to believe you don't love them anymore. What other choice can they make if you won't tell them why you changed?

They can only base what they feel on how you treat them, how you act toward them and how you talk to them. It sucks!

You may be destroying a relationship that is strong enough to last the rest of your life because you won't talk to them or even try to get them to know what is in your heart.

"You can't make your heart feel something it won't," is what they think. I know because I almost gave up on my marriage. I remember driving and this song came on the radio. I'd cry hard enough I had to pull over until I could see better and wiped the tears from my face. I had no way of knowing if there was any love left or not, even though I knew what PTSD was.

What made it harder for me was dealing with what my ex-husband did when he tried to kill me, proving my life didn't matter to him, even though he said the words out of his mouth. My second husband and I have been married for over 36 years now and because he started to make the effort to trust me enough to talk about Vietnam, I was sure that while his actions had nothing to do with me even though it effected me deeply.

It is time to think about the person you share your life with or you won't be doing it much longer.
Morning will come and I'll do what's right
Just give me till then to give up this fight
And I will give up this fight
'Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't

Remember, it is your life...get in and drive it! 
#BreakTheSilence and #TakeBackYourLife from #PTSD

I Can’t Make You Love Me
Bonnie Raitt

Turn down the lights
Turn down the bed
Turn down these voices inside my head
Lay down with me
Tell me no lies
Just hold me close, don't patronize
Don't patronize me
'Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark, in these final hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
'Cause I can't make you love me, if you don't
I'll close my eyes, then I won't see
The love you don't feel when you're holding me
Morning will come and I'll do what's right
Just give me till then to give up this fight
And I will give up this fight
'Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark, in these final hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
'Cause I can't make you love me, if you don't

Source: LyricFind
Songwriters: Michael Reid / Allen Shamblin
I Can’t Make You Love Me lyrics © Universal Music Publishing Group, Amplified Administration 

Thursday, May 15, 2008

In crisis and out of their homes-foreclosed on in America

Foreclosures take an emotional toll on homeowners
By Stephanie Armour, USA TODAY
On a brisk day last fall in Prineville, Ore., Raymond and Deanna Donaca faced the unthinkable: They were losing their home to foreclosure and had days to move out.

For more than two decades, the couple had lived in their three-level house, where the elms outside blazed with yellow shades of fall and their four golden retrievers slept in the yard. The town had always been home, with a lazy river and rolling hills dotted by gnarled juniper trees.

HOUSING PAIN ESCALATES: Foreclosures skyrocket 65% in April

Yet just before lunch on Oct. 23, the Donacas closed all their home's doors except the one to the garage and left their 1981 Cadillac Eldorado running. Toxic fumes filled the home. When sheriff's deputies arrived at about 1 p.m., they found the body of Raymond, 71, on the second floor along with three dead dogs. The body of Deanna, 69, was in an upstairs bedroom, close to another dead retriever.

"It is believed that the Donacas committed suicide after attempts to save their home following a foreclosure notice left them believing they had few options," the Crook County Sheriff's Office said in a report.

Their suicides were a tragic extreme, but the Donacas' case symbolizes how the housing crisis is wrenching the emotional lives of legions of homeowners. The escalating pace of foreclosures and rising fears among some homeowners about keeping up with their mortgages are creating a range of emotional problems, mental-health specialists say. Those include anxiety disorders, depression and addictive behaviors such as alcoholism and gambling. And, in a few cases, suicide.

Crisis hotlines are reporting a surge in calls from frantic homeowners. The American Psychological Association (APA) and other mental-health groups are publishing tips on how to handle the emotional stress triggered by the real estate meltdown. Psychologists say they're seeing more drinking, domestic violence and marital problems linked to mortgage concerns — as well as children trying to cope with extreme anxiety when their families are forced to move.

click post title for more

linked from RawStory

Saturday, January 26, 2008

O'Reilly's stance on homeless vets poses questions

O'Reilly's stance on homeless vets poses questions
Tom Hennessy, Staff columnist
Article Launched: 01/26/2008 10:07:45 PM PST

O Reilly Critics of radio and TV commentator Bill O'Reilly find him brash, full of himself and, at times, given to outlandish statements.

Fans see him as super patriotic, unerringly correct, and a champion of the average American.

Whichever view you have of O'Reilly, if either, you may concede he is a flamboyant opinion-molder who does not shy away from publicity, which is precisely what he got earlier this month when he took on one of his current villains, Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards. The former North Carolina senator had said this:

"Tonight, 200,000 men and women who wore our uniform proudly and served this country courageously as veterans will go to sleep under bridges and on grates."
go here for the rest

O'Reilly has made his living shooting off his mouth on his radio show and on FOX Cable "No Spin Zone" as well as several books, coming off as if he gave a damn about "the little guy" he began "fighting" for. He missed the point that the "little guy" he should have been fighting for should have included our veterans.

You've read stories about homeless veterans here and on line for years. Face it, if you read this blog, you are aware of the huge problem the veterans have been dealing with and are very informed. If you managed to find me since I'm so low below the radar, you have invested a lot of time researching what's going on. I applaud you! You are dedicated to seeking truth and thus will insure changes will be made in the system designed to help the wounded veterans.

As a reader I'm sure you read the comment that broke my heart from the wife of a National Guardsman, wounded and provided with zero disability rating. They are in fact homeless. They lost everything. You must have read about Sonny Iovino who died of hypothermia.

IOWA CITY - Two days before Sonny Iovino died of exposure, he was released by a Veterans Affairs Medical Center doctor and turned away from the Johnson County Jail after police repeatedly found him behaving erratically and shedding his clothes.
You also know there are two hundred thousand other stories just like their's. What you don't know is that there are many, many more. Families like the National Guard family won't be counted as homeless because they found room in a relatives house.

When O'Reilly had the chance to actually fight for the "little guy" he opted to defend Bush and the GOP. God forbid he say anything against what anyone in the GOP was doing. What O'Reilly missed was the fact this goes beyond politics and gets to the heart of what America is becoming. Homeless veterans, wounded veterans with wounds but zero disability or low ratings, are not new and they were not caused by Bush. They began long ago. After Vietnam there were over 300,000 of them. What happened to over 100,000 of them between then and now is a mystery. There are not enough beds, not enough programs and it's doubtful that they all died in a couple of years. This means that O'Reilly attacked the wrong people even from the standpoint of a "loyal Bushie" which Bush himself coined remarking on his supporters.

O'Reilly keeps proving he doesn't care but this is not the most troubling part to me right now. Over and over again the media proves they are behind the times. This piece just came out and a lot has happened between the "they're all drunks" comment he made. He ended up twisting this all around to being about "he's putting his muscle behind the problem" as Col. Hunt decided he would try to shove it down the throats of O'Reilly flocks. There should be other editorials in a week or so about this, so plan on a lot more reading on O'Reilly. He's trying to cover his ass but it's too late.

Homeless veterans had my heart and still do because my own husband almost became one of them. It was during a time when living with a PTSD veteran out of control we too much to take. It was before he began to get help for PTSD even after being diagnosed with it. The only help he received was from a Vet's Center in Boston. Hopelessness drained me of every rational thought and I wanted the suffering over.

I couldn't live with him at that point in our marriage and I wanted him to live someplace else. I tried to get him into a shelter because we couldn't afford anything and were barely able to support what we had. The shelter was full and there was a waiting list. This was in the early 90's! Today I thank God that shelter was full because a few days later, God hit me over the head with a frying pan and changed my mind on ending it. I give God full credit for my marriage surviving all these years. He gave me the strength and patience to get through the worst times in our life together. He began to be helped by the VA and years later, he was living a life again instead of just existing.

I thought, and still do, about the families out there without the knowledge to support them through this. I knew what PTSD was and what came with it and it was nearly impossible to deal with. Their chances of coping are just about zero if they don't have a clue what it is. This is how at least half of the homeless veterans become homeless.

PTSD marriages are no longer marriages and you end up feeling like you are living with a total stranger who can explode at any minute. You live on a roller coaster ride of emotions never knowing what will cause them to respond with unacceptable behavior or take off for days at a time. If you have kids, you become a single parent, feeling as if your kids were just joined by an adopted child who used to be your spouse. Extreme financial problems come when you are usually missing their income because they can't hold down a job. They add to it when they self-medicate drinking and doing drugs, which adds to the stress level. You're sure every time they walk out the door will be their last and you pray to God they don't hurt anyone else. You know you are helpless to stop them. You try to figure out what you could do differently or what you did wrong to cause all of this. Questions evaporate and you replace them with wondering how to end it.

You watch them die inside on a daily basis, weighing the human compassion you have, the love you used to feel for them, against wanting to just get rid of them.

I went through all of this even knowing what I knew. I didn't go through any of this blindly and it was still hell. You'd think it would have been easier since by this time I was an expert on it, but living with it is a total different story.

Families of PTSD veterans and even regular citizens with it, need all the help they can get to become aware of what this is. They need the tools to help them cope. Will it end the homeless veterans or homeless people living on the streets or in shelters? No but it will cut it all down to a level where it will not be impossible to handle. Knowledge will eliminate a good portion of them. Changes in the system will help with the rest.

The wounds of PTSD begin to heal with treatment. They get worse if you don't treat it just as an infection untreated spreads and causes more damage. Treat the wound and save the family. Get them into treatment even if their claim is tied up. Set up support groups for families so that they can have some tools to cope and finally understand they are not alone.

Next is to get rid of the backlog of claims so that the wounded veterans receive some income to keep a roof over their heads and food in their belly. Added financial stress will only add to PTSD. Stop the nonsense of awarding zero disability or low balling it for veterans who cannot work.

Reevaluate the veterans who were discharged under "personality disorders" and given dishonorable discharges. If they are found to be suffering from PTSD then give them the money they should have had if they had been diagnosed properly in the first place. Never mind the BS of claims not being filed on time. The government knows when PTSD problems surfaced because they were discharged from duty for it. If they were really diagnosed properly as having a personality disorder, then the DOD has a bigger problem with the mental health screening they do before they give them weapons.

Educate the public so that no one ever again slaps a stigma like O'Reilly did out of ignorance. They are nothing to be ashamed of. We have only ourselves to be ashamed of for turning our backs on them when they needed us.

Kathie Costos
"The willingness with which our young people are likely to serve in any war, no matter how justified, shall be directly proportional to how they perceive veterans of early wars were treated and appreciated by our nation." - George Washington

Friday, November 30, 2007

Family tragedy living with PTSD

This report is not about combat, but living with PTSD. It shows what it is like for the family. Maybe after reading it, you can get out of your own mind what you envision the type of person who suffers with PTSD is. This woman is married to a successful doctor. They live in a mansion. Educated people among the elite. Yet this woman, living with the horrors of sexual abuse, is responsible for the death of someone else. While drunk driving, she killed a mailman.

Some will read this and think she needs to be locked away for the rest of her life. After all, an innocent man is dead because of her. I read it and thought about all the other families out there dealing with PTSD in someone they love.

In Jack's dark days, he would take off for hours at a time. We never knew where he was but we knew how he would come home, drunk. Jack didn't drive if he had too much to drink. For that, I am grateful. He did drink and drive, but when he knew he had too much, he would walk home or get a ride. A few times, he couldn't remember exactly where he left the car. One time he remembered where the car was, but lost his set of keys, including the keys he needed for work.

What we need to remember is that you cannot force someone to seek help. You can support them in seeking it,but in the end it is up to them. We can make sure the help is there when they finally reach out for it. In the case of this doctor's wife, I'm sure they can get her all the help she wants but they key word is "want" which she does not accept.

You need to understand that while most do in fact want help, some don't. Some are in such denial they will never overcome it. Others will feel they don't deserve it.

This report from the Hartford Courant offers a window on a family not falling into the notion of what a person with PTSD is. If we are ever going to defeat the ravages of PTSD, we need to see it as what it is. It is a human illness caused by trauma. Maybe after reading this you can better understand what our combat veterans are going through and what their families go through as well.

Some families can survive it, like our's did. We've been married 23 years. Some will fall apart. We need to end the stigma of PTSD, educate everyone on what PTSD is, make sure help is there when they seek it and we also need to remember to support the families. They need all the help and compassion they can get. kc

He said her alcoholism stems from post-traumatic stress disorder, a byproduct of sexual abuse she suffered as a child. When Watson "consumed a crazy amount of alcohol, this was to try, in a very desperate way, to silence the demons in her head," he said.

Woman Gets Four Years
Caused Fatal Accident And Fled In 2003; Violated Probation In April Car Crash
By CHRISTINE DEMPSEY Courant Staff Writer
November 30, 2007

MANCHESTER — - Aubrey Watson seemed incredulous Thursday when Judge Raymond Norko abruptly ordered her mother, Tracy Watson, to prison for four years for violating her probation, part of her sentence for a 2003 hit-and-run accident that killed a mailman.

But when his words sank in, the 16-year-old wailed in Superior Court in Manchester. Her father, Dr. H. Kirk Watson, tried to console her, but he, too, was shaken.

"No, no!" he said. "Oh my God.",0,2903305.story