Can you forgive when they have PTSD?

by
Chaplain Kathie

When Jesus talking about forgiving, it was not for the sake of the person that hurt you, but for your own sake He wanted you to forgive. Sometimes it seems impossible to forgive when you've been hurt, mistreated, abused and even after you've gone through traumatic events caused by someone else. Yet when you look at this passage in the Bible, nothing could be unforgivable.

Luke 23:34


(New International Version)
Jesus said, "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing

Jesus forgave in his last moments on the cross. He preached of how important it was to forgive. It is something we all struggle with. How do you forgive someone after they have hurt you? How do you forgive someone after they caused you pain and suffering? How do you forgive someone when they have taken all the love you had to give and appeared to have taken it for granted or thrown it all away? This is one of the hardest parts of living with and loving someone with PTSD. If we do not understand it, understand what they are going through, we are the ones carrying around a lot of pain.


"They don't know what they are doing" when they have PTSD. They have no idea how much they are hurting you emotionally. They do not do what they do or say what they say on purpose. They think differently, process what we say to them differently and most of the time, mistrust us. Paranoia has them thinking everyone is out to get them or hurt them. They can change from very caring people into ambivalent, detached emotionally from people they loved. This is part of their protection, pushing people away, trying to not feel pain from the "next shoe dropping" or the next person they care about leaving them behind, or the ultimate abandonment of death. Some believe that if they refuse to let anyone get close to them, they will avoid more pain. Some feel they don't deserve anyone caring about them. Some, will have these two thoughts blended.

They can appear to be totally selfish, out of character for them. They seem to only care about what they want, what they need and to hell with everyone else. This comes from their own sense of worthlessness, as strange as that sounds.

Filling the parts inside of them where love used to live, they spend money on extravagances when there is not enough money to pay bills. Some normally very careful and responsible with money, no longer act rationally.

The list that comes with PTSD is almost endless. What is left behind are very hurt and confused family members and friends. We get angry but beneath that anger is a lot of pain. How could they do that to me? How could they treat me so badly? What did I do to deserve their hatred? All these questions and so much more flood through us as we search for the answers. What did we do wrong? We can turn that anger combined with pain and seek revenge. We make them leave the house, file for divorce or end all contact with them. If they end up homeless, it's their fault. If they end up in jail, it's their fault. If they drink themselves to death, it's their fault. Yet if we know what PTSD is, what it is doing to them, we can understand them, forgive them and find forgiveness for ourselves.

There is a video I want you to watch. It's one of the longest ones I put together. It was also one of the first so that I could explain what PTSD is and what family members face.

When you watch it, notice your own life in it. I can guarantee you that either whatever you're going through either I have lived it as well or have had contact with someone that went through something as bad. There is a remarkable thing that happens when we know what PTSD is. We end up helping the people that caused the pain we have inside. The way we react to them changes the outcome. We either help make PTSD stronger inside of them or we help them to heal. The choice is our's to make.

Even when families have fallen apart because they didn't know what PTSD was, relationships have been rebuilt in some cases. When that does not happen, or knowledge comes too late, there is at least our own emotional healing because we can understand them and why they did what they did, said what they said and treated us the way they did. We stop asking why and stop blaming ourselves. One more thing is that we finally understand that we did the best we could with what we knew at the time. Forgiving them at the very least, takes the weight out of our own soul.

Please watch this video and find a reason to forgive them. Then you can forgive yourself.

Wounded Minds Veterans and PTSD - watch more videos