Why I give back to veterans

The reason I do what I do has been attacked recently so I thought it was a good time to clarify why I do what I do. I've been there. I know what it's like for the families to feel lost and alone, struggling to make sense out of what is happening in their lives, but above all, what it is like to watch someone you love suffer.

When Vietnam veterans came home, no one was talking about PTSD. There were no news reports other than when they were arrested and the headline made sure to include the words "Vietnam Veteran" supporting the image of "yet another crazy Nam Vet" jeopardizing polite society. VV wives knew better and we learned by living. Each day was a challenge to hang onto hope when each day we watched them die a little bit more inside. Everyday we never knew if it would be a good day when we saw more of the husband we loved smile again, or if it would be a day of having to get out of the house with our kids because Dad was having a bad day.

We learned that when the nightmares came, they were not really there in the bed, if they slept in the bed at all instead of on the sofa. We learned you do not yell to wake them up or touch them in striking distance because we could end up with a black eye or bloody nose. We learned sudden moves, like walking up behind them too quietly could cause yet another bad reaction from them. A broken glass, a kid crying because they got hurt playing, all could cause an over reaction from them, adding to the event, and our reaction could either ease it or make it worse. We also learned how to help our kids understand it was not their fault.

We learned how to go shopping alone; parent virtually alone; make decisions; go to movies with friends instead of our husbands; adjust to the fact when we did manage to get them to go to a restaurant, we would have to wait until there was a booth open instead of sitting at a perfectly good table in the center of the room. We also learned how to deal with our own families refusing to understand what we were trying to tell them because they were too busy talking, telling us to get divorced because "you don't deserve to live this way" never once able to understand our husband didn't deserve to live "this" way either.

We learned how to deal with the financial problems because they were spending money we didn't have so they could self-medicate. We dealt with the fact it was easier for them to be considered a drunk or druggie instead of crazy. Yes, crazy. Most of them said they didn't want to go for help because the VA would end up locking them up and tossing away the key if they knew what was going on inside of their minds because they managed somehow to decide they had turned evil. We dealt with the bad decisions they made on a whim buying a motorcycle when the car was falling apart, buying lobsters when the kids needed new shoes, the stack of bills that couldn't be paid because they couldn't hold onto a job very long and refused to go to the VA.

Even when we could get them to finally understand they needed help and we needed hope given back, the VA was "out to get them" in their own minds and it was a daily struggle to get them to keep trying. Each denial letter came in the mail and we watched the knife dig deeper into their backs as we also saw shreds of hope evaporate before our eyes. We held it all together, and then someone managed to take on the VA, fighting with doctors that wouldn't talk to us or include us in on the way they treated our husbands. We knew when they were not telling the doctors the truth about what was going on because they tried to hide it instead of being honest, again, with the fear hanging over their heads that they would be locked up, and we'd be able to help the doctors discover the truth. Why? Because we knew the sooner the doctors knew exactly what was going on, the sooner we'd be able to get our husband's back in our lives again. At least we hoped that would be the case.

Some of us just couldn't do it anymore and some of us reached the point where the world crashed so hard on our shoulders, we just kept giving up until the day came when they were having a good day again and we'd remember we loved them. My husband and I separated several times, but we never stopped talking to each other. I had the luxury of understanding why he was the way he was and even with that, there were times when it was just too much, too long for me to stay strong.

In all the years I managed somehow to get other veterans to listen to me more than my own husband did. I knew what it was like to be inside their head and for most, they hated the fact I could get in there. Stunned was replaced by hope because some got what they were trying to hide and why they tried to hide it. I still had to hold down a job, so I did accounting, worked as assistant manager of an ice cream shop at night so I could be home with our daughter during the day and did whatever I could to help make ends meet. I also had to hang onto some hope.

First it was a battle to get him to go for help. Then the diagnosis. Then to the Vet's Center. Then to the VA. Then to the DAV because his claim was turned down at the same time experts were telling us he needed the VA experts so that he could begin to heal. Then it was a six year battle to have his claim approved and each denial dug the knife deeper into his soul. They were billing us for his treatment. The insurance we had because he managed to keep his job wouldn't pay, because they said it was the responsibility of the government. The PTSD was linked to Vietnam by VA doctors leaving the private insurance off the hook but the VA wouldn't honor his claim. The media didn't give a crap and told me reporting the story on what was happening to our veterans was just "sour grapes" instead of opening their ears and hearing what was happening, not just to my husband, but to veterans all over the country. The net was filled with veterans screaming for help but the reporters were oblivious to all of them.

With an approved claim finally, we had a check for some of the years we had to fight. By then I was an expert on PTSD. I read more clinical books than a PHD, talked to more veterans and their families than any therapist but above all, I lived with it everyday. At this point I could have said, "I got mine, screw you" and just got on with my life but I was compelled to help others get to where I was. My own husband said he wished I could just be "normal" and drop all of this. I had to keep reminding him what it was like when no one would help us.

So here I am 27 years later, doing blog posts so that veterans and their families can read about others across the country, PTSD can stay with a huge spotlight on it and no one will suffer feeling alone. I also do it so that the next time some reporter figures out there is a huge secret going on with our veterans suffering, they have most reports all in one place. I do it so that wives like me won't have to do this alone without someone understanding and helping them avoid the same mistakes I made. So that parents and partners of the newer veterans can get to where I am on the fast track. Above all, so that they do not have to watch them die a slow death.

None of what we're seeing has to happen. I used the technology of today and came up with videos because people want to be entertained. I figured if they were ever going to stop being afraid of the words Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, they would have to hear it from someone on their level and someone who made it work. It's why I wrote the book I did but it's a lot easier to get thru a video than over a hundred pages of a book.

Yes, I could have walked away, gave up this extra stress and thought about just me and my family but I couldn't. God wouldn't let me. Every time I wanted to walk away, He pulled me back in by an email begging for help or yet another email telling me I made a difference and then my heart would be broken all over again when an email came from someone finding me too late to save the life of someone they knew, too late to keep a family together, too late to provide a means to forgive.

So I sit here today, ignored by the media unless they want an easy way to find a story to do on a veteran or find easy facts. Ignored by the people with the power to really do something to help the veterans heal and forgotten about when I need help from other organizations using my work. In all of this I also had to figure out how the hell to begin a tax exempt so that I could finally get some donations to cover the huge expense of becoming a chaplain and carrying insurance, plus the training and the travel. I used to pay for the expense of traveling around the country, but when I said I needed trips funded, well, then I wasn't worth it.

We're suffering financially for what I do. No one seems to really care. Each day, I wonder how to pay the bills, suffer with the usual problems every family does and then wonder why I still do it when no matter what I do, people will refuse to help me. One high ranking person actually said that if I were any good at what I did, I wouldn't need to ask for help. Imagine that! He never stopped to consider he never offered to help me either. Then again, he doesn't believe there is such a huge problem with PTSD. The fact is, the veterans I help can't afford to help me. I won't publicize what I do for them or what they say to me because it's a promise I made to them a long time ago. I only post about what is available online from the media. From time to time I tell my own story and put in my two cents coming from tracking all of this and talking to the veterans for all these years, plus living with it.

I offered to help more organizations than I can remember when they first started but when I asked them to help me help veterans more, I was ignored. I sent out videos but never heard back even though I had a huge file from veterans telling me they needed them and they helped their families understand what they were trying to tell them.

Knowing what works in this world doesn't seem to matter unless you have someone helping. Someone to support you and help you do what you know how to do because they know what you don't. I know PTSD. I don't know how to do everything else that they know but they won't share. What goes around comes around and just as I share what I've learned about PTSD to make life easier, they won't share to make my life easier even though I've been proven right sooner or later. I knew PTSD would explode in 2001 and spent my own money to get my book published in 2002. Did this matter? No.

Congress didn't listen, the media didn't listen, service groups didn't listen and now, they are still not listening while I feel like John the Baptist screaming in the wilderness getting my neck ready for the chopping block. If I don't get some financial help soon, I will have to stop because I won't be able to afford the Internet or the roof over my head. I've been out of work for almost two years, in other words, without a paycheck, but working for free doing this work. If you can't afford to donate, believe me, I understand. Most of the charities I used to donate to haven't received donations from me this year either. What you can do is offer a prayer for me and my work. You can pass on my work to others on your email list and spread the word. The more hits I get, the less I am ignored.

There has to be someone out there somewhere able and willing to help me but I have yet to find them. I've been blessed with a few that have reached out to help as much as they can, but "the harvest is plenty and the workers are few" leaving me out here pretty much alone.

If you trust me, believe in an "average person" like you trying to make a difference, then please help me so that I can keep helping them heal.

Stolen Valor:Steven Douglas Burton

Military Impostors Are Neither Few Nor Proud

Richard C. Paddock
San Francisco Correspondent


(Dec. 14) -- Steven Douglas Burton wore the Marine Corps uniform proudly. He had rows of medals, including a prestigious Navy Cross, a Purple Heart and a Bronze Star.

He posted a photo of himself in uniform and blogged about serving one tour of duty in Afghanistan and four in Iraq. He was at the Battle of Fallujah, he said, and praised the doctors who "patched us up."

But Burton wasn't a hero. He was a fraud who purchased medals online.

A scam that began two years ago when Burton wore a Marine Corps uniform as a Halloween party costume ended Monday with a guilty plea in federal court in Riverside, Calif.

Burton, a 39-year-old bank employee from Palm Springs, was unmasked after he wore the uniform of a Marine lieutenant colonel to his 20-year high school reunion. A classmate who was a Navy commander became suspicious of his story, got him to pose for a photo and handed it over to the FBI.

Burton pleaded guilty to a single count of the unauthorized wearing of a military medal. He faces up to a year in prison and a $100,000 fine for violating the Stolen Valor Act, which prohibits wearing an unearned medal or falsely claiming to have earned one.

"The defendant was wearing some of the highest military honors given in this country for valor," said Assistant U.S. Attorney Joseph Akrotirianakis, who prosecuted the case. "He never served in the military."
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Military Impostors Are Neither Few Nor Proud

Back from combat, women struggle for acceptance

Back from combat, women struggle for acceptance
By KIMBERLY HEFLING (AP)

WASHINGTON — Nobody wants to buy them a beer.

Even near military bases, female veterans who served in Iraq and Afghanistan aren't often offered a drink on the house as a welcome home.

More than 230,000 American women have fought in those recent wars and at least 120 have died doing so, yet the public still doesn't completely understand their contributions on the modern battlefield.

For some, it's a lonely transition as they struggle to find their place.

Aimee Sherrod, an Air Force veteran who did three war tours, said years went by when she didn't tell people she was a veteran. After facing sexual harassment during two tours and mortar attacks in Iraq, the 29-year-old mother of two from Bells, Tenn., was medically discharged in 2005 with post-traumatic stress disorder.

She's haunted by nightmares and wakes up some nights thinking she's under attack. She's moody as a result of PTSD and can't function enough to work or attend college. Like some other veterans, she felt she improperly received a low disability rating by the Department of Veterans Affairs that left her with a token monthly payment. She was frustrated that her paperwork mentioned she was pregnant, a factor she thought was irrelevant.

"I just gave up on it and I didn't tell anyone about ever being in the military because I was so ashamed over everything," Sherrod said.
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Back from combat, women struggle for acceptance

Veterans cost less when they die

Veterans cost less when they die
by
Chaplain Kathie

There has been a feeling among veterans they are treated the way they are because they cost the government less if they just die than if they live. This feeling is not new, certainly not "news" and has been around for about as long as veterans came back from war. After all, considering they have to fight in combat, then come back being forced to fight for benefits, especially compensation for the wounds they received serving, it's not that hard to understand how they can feel this way. More often than not a true, honest claim, is denied due to a paperwork issue. When the claim is approved, they end up with a rating less than they really should have received. They have to fight for the balance. Again, none of this is new. Taking into consideration there are some with fraudulent claims and they eventually make the news when they are caught, we tend to focus on them instead of what happens in too many cases, which means, too many homes.

When it comes to having a wound no one can see but is made aware of by living with them, there is yet another road block to get past before the fight to heal and receive compensation can actually begin. Denial is the rule. First there is denial they have a problem they cannot get over with time. When it is PTSD, it takes someone, a family member or friend to work hard to get them to face the fact they need help. Then they seek help but as they do, they are responded to with a denial from the VA and they have to fight to have the claim approved. PTSD claims used to be very hard to prove. Now there is a presumptive attached to it. In other words, if you went into combat, chances are, you were exposed to traumatic events even if you never fired a single shot. Tests show if those events altered your life or not and then they take testimony from people in your life able to explain how much you've changed.

There is yet another factor in all of this and each year, it becomes more and more clear to them their feelings of abandonment are not baseless.

Sending a man or woman into combat is expensive. We pay to cloth them with uniforms and give them weapons then train they how to use them. We pay to feed them and shelter them. We pay to transport them. We pay to provide them with wages so their families have some money to pay for their needs, but this never really comes close to what they need to get by. There was a recent report that it costs the government a million dollars per soldier to deploy into Iraq or Afghanistan, but this is not the end of the money spent on a soldier if they are wounded.

When they are wounded during combat, they DOD takes care of the wounds and then they work themselves into the VA system should they leave the military. It is a bit easier to receive a disability rating when they have all their paperwork from the DOD showing they were wounded in action than if they had been discharged without ever complaining of any wound, but the reports still come out saying the disability rating is less than they should have received.

For many veterans with a DOD rating for PTSD, they end up with 10% or 30% even though most of them cannot work and then they have to fight for the balance. It's even harder when they seek help longer after they have been discharged.

What happens is they come home, deal with the fact they are no longer the same. Deal with the family telling them to get off the couch and get a job, deal with the fact they cannot keep a job even if they find one. Nightmares and flashbacks make it a bit hard to show up for work everyday, so many lose their jobs. Their families fall apart at the same time they try to gain some kind of control over their emotions and then the claims process drives the knife they feel deeper into their backs.

They also wonder how they ended up in the position they are in after all they wanted to do was to serve the country. None of it makes any sense to them at all.

There is also something more and again it comes from the DOD and the VA itself. We assume if they are being treated for PTSD, they are given medication and therapy. Too many times it is a matter of pills, pills and more pills with very little therapy, if they receive any therapy at all. Then as the rate of suicides goes up, they keep hearing how the military and the VA have paid attention and took steps to save lives.

On August 15, 2007, the AP reported Army suicide were at a 26 year high.


This was followed by another report Senator Patty Murray scheduled a hearing to figure out why it was going up. 2003 reported suicides were 79, 2004 reported suicides 67, 2005 reported suicides 88 and 2006 101


Thursday, August 23, 2007
Soldier sent back to duty three days after suicide attempt
Soldier sent back to duty three days after suicide attempt
Rising suicide rate among U.S. soldiers hitting close to home
Aug 22, 2007 6:38pm
The stress of combat is taking its toll on many soldiers.In fact, according to the U.S. Army, last year there were 99 suicides; 30 of those happened in war zones.It’s not a new trend, the same happened during wars like Vietnam.

According to the U.S. Army in 2005 there were 12.8 suicides per 100,000 soldiers.

That number increased last year with the army recording 17.3 suicides per 100,000 soldiers.

Staff Sgt. Derrick Degrate said he suffers from Post Traumatic Stress disorder after seeing too much in war.

"[I saw] people getting shot up, people getting blown up," Degrate said.

It took its toll, and while on a tour in Iraq he admits he tried to take his own life.

"So, I attempted suicide and, you know, and I was admitted to the hospital," Degrate added.

He said he was hospitalized for three days and then sent back to duty.


Wednesday, October 3, 2007
Military Suicides: A Treatment Issue Suicides: A Treatment Issue
Military Suicides
By LISA CHEDEKEL Courant Staff WriterOctober 3, 2007In recent months, the military has scrambled to hire additional mental health workers to treat troubled troops, hoping to allay concerns raised by a Pentagon task force and soldiers' advocates about inadequate access to care.But a new Army report suggests that the quality of care, as much as the quantity of providers, may be a factor in the rising incidence of suicides among active-duty service members.A recently released, first-ever analysis of Army suicides shows that more than half the 948 soldiers who attempted suicide in 2006 had been seen by mental health providers before the attempt - 36 percent within just 30 days of the event. Of those who committed suicide in 2006, a third had an outpatient mental health visit within three months of killing themselves, and 42 percent had been seen at a military medical facility within three months.

Among soldiers who were deployed to Iraq or Afghanistan when they attempted suicide in 2005 and 2006, a full 60 percent had been seen by outpatient mental health workers before the attempts. Forty-three percent of the deployed troops who attempted suicide had been prescribed psychotropic medications, the report shows.



All of this too late for 4 Fort Erie County soldiers.

Four Erie County soldiers commit suicide
Airman Andrew Norlund, praised for his work ethic, was frustrated and angry. Top right, Sgt. Matthew A. Proulx, a soldier to the end, had no interest in seeking help. Bottom left, Staff Sgt. Justin Reyes, a proven leader in Iraq, was troubled back in the U.S. Bottom right, Sgt. Gary Underhill loved the Army life, but had nightmares and anxiety.



CBS Stunning veteran suicide rate is twice that of non-veterans


Tuesday, November 13, 2007
CBS: 'Stunning' veteran suicide rate is twice that of non-veteransDavid Edwards and Muriel KanePublished: Tuesday November 13, 2007'CBS: 'Stunning' veteran suicide rate is twice that of non-veterans'

The problem of suicide among veterans of the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan has recently been in the news, with the Department of Veteran Affairs promising to beef up its mental health services in response. Veterans of previous conflicts continue to have problems as well, and the VA has estimated that a total of 5000 suicides among veterans can be expected this year.However, CBS News has now completed a five-month study of death records for 2004-05 which shows that the actual figures are "much higher" than those reported by the VA. Across the total US veteran population of 25 million, CBS found that suicide rates were more than twice as high as for non-veterans (according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, suicide accounted for 32,439 deaths in 2004).CBS spoke to the families of several veterans who killed themselves after returning from Iraq. "The war didn't end for him when he came home," said the mother of one soldier. "I think he was being tormented and tortured by his experiences."Sen. Patty Murray (D-WA) told CBS, "That's a lot of young men and women who've gone to fight for us who've come home and found themselves that lost." click all the links for more but keep in mind, these reports are old and may not have active links anymore.

Where have all these reports gotten us? There were more reports in 2008 and more this year leaving us with this report.

A Mounting Suicide Rate Prompts an Army Response
By Mark Thompson/Washington


Neither the U.S. military nor the American public would tolerate a conflict in which U.S. losses mounted for five straight years. Yet, that's what's happening in the Army's battle with suicides. The recently released figure for November show that 12 soldiers are suspected of taking their own lives, bringing to 147 the total suicides for 2009, the highest since the Army began keeping track in 1980. Last year the Army had 140 suicides.

Although Army officials don't blame the spike on repeated deployments to war zones, evidence is mounting to the contrary. Only about a third of Army suicides happen in war zones, officials note, and another third are among personnel who had never deployed. But that means two-thirds of Army suicides have deployed, many returning home with mental scars that make them prone to take their own lives, the Army's No. 2 officer said last week.
(See pictures of an Army town's struggle with PTSD.)


"Soldiers who are suffering from posttraumatic stress are six times more likely to commit suicide than those that are not," General Peter Chiarelli told the House Armed Services Committee last Thursday. "The greatest single debilitating injury of soldiers returning from Iraq and Afghanistan is posttraumatic stress." Nearly 1 in 5 soldiers — more than 300,000 — comes home from the wars reporting symptoms of PTSD. Army officials also acknowledge that substance abuse, fueled by repeated combat tours, and a war-created shortage of mental-health professionals, contribute to mental ills that can lead to suicide.

Last week, an Army major's wife told of her husband's mental woes after returning from his second tour in Iraq in 2005. "I don't know what that mission was, other than riding around and getting blown up and shot at," Sheri Hall said her husband, Jeff, says even now. Speaking at a military trauma forum in Bethesda, Md., Sheri said when she saw him for the first time upon his return, Jeff's eyes revealed "a very lost person" who "wasn't my husband anymore."
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A Mounting Suicide Rate Prompts an Army Response

Each year the military makes a claim they are paying attention and doing something about it. The VA has not been that much different. The changes at the top of the food chain in the VA came about with law suits filed by Veterans for Common Sense. This ended up with Suicide Prevention hotlines so that they could talk to someone if they were on the verge of suicide. This didn't do much good for the family members after it happened because no one told them what they could do to help save the lives of their own veterans, keep their families together and stop them from ending up homeless yet still wounded. The suicide rate for veterans, at least the reported ones, didn't change much. Yet the VA did try, in some parts of the country anyway. We are still finding out too many veterans and their families lack support they need along with reports of medications and no therapy.

The veterans read these reports and the thought of being better off dead to the VA than alive eat away at them. We know the people working for the VA care deeply and we also know the majority in the military are trying to come up with answers, but what they see is what their lives are like. They see millions of dollars going into funding programs that don't work, or worse, do more harm than good. They see long lines at the VA and delays processing and paying on their claims.

They also hear the gossip. They still hear people say that PTSD is not real, most of the claims are bogus and they are looking for a free ride. How they arrived at this conclusion is never really explained. How do you go from being willing to sacrifice your life for the sake of the nation into being so self-absorbed you want to take advantage of the same government you were willing to die for? Doesn't make sense. While there is a tiny fraction seeking their own lives made easy without really being disabled, they are a tiny fraction, but they all hear others talk about leaches. None of this is helpful to them at all but more depressing is the fact some of these baseless statements come from leaders they have turned to for help. How do you get past that?

Awareness on the level. Stop acting as if they are getting everything they need from the government. Stop letting them get less than the appropriate claim they have earned. That's right, they earned it. They didn't get wounded for any other reason than the fact they were deployed into combat. Stop treating PTSD as if it is a wound to a lesser degree than other wounds you can see with your eyes. When it comes to PTSD, it is not a part of the body that is wounded, it is the most vital part of the body wounded, their minds. Stop letting them think they are defective or it is their fault they could not "just get over it" and get on with their lives and don't allow anyone to suddenly say they are less worthy because the greatness of their compassion, the very reason they were willing to risk their lives, is a thing to be ashamed of instead of valued.

Too many are waiting for this country to get this right. When we read reports of the suicides going up, it is not just the soldier so detached from hope they take their own lives, but it is the family as well as the friends they have left wondering what it wrong with this country when a veteran is allowed to feel as if they are just not worth taking care of them. Stop letting them feel as if they will cost the government too much money if they live and have their claims honored. When you think of how much they cost to train and deploy, these rarities in this country should be worth all it takes to keep them here, adding to the lives of the people around them and in their communities. They should never be made to regret they did not die sooner. Every year we read the suicides go up. It would be a great day in this nation if next year we finally read the numbers have gone down but we can't get there from here until the DOD and the VA fully understand what they need and do it.

You see them go and you see them come home. You don't see what happens to them after but at least you can pay attention to what is being reported and none of this is good. We've read too many reports that ended up being more steps to prevent what they do not really understand.

Sgt. Zachary Swelfer awarded Silver Star at Fort Knox

1st ID sergeant awarded Silver Star

By Marty Finley - The (Elizabethtown,Ky.) News-Enterprise via AP
Posted : Sunday Dec 13, 2009 13:54:42 EST

FORT KNOX, Ky. — Sgt. Zachary Swelfer’s demeanor was calm and his reaction was modest when he was awarded the Silver Star at Fort Knox.

Swelfer, a member of the 2nd Battalion, 2nd Infantry Regiment with the 3rd Brigade Combat Team, 1st Infantry Division, received the award for his bravery and quick response in the line of fire during a tour of duty in Afghanistan that ended earlier this year.

The ceremony at the central Kentucky Army post last week was lined with soldiers of the 3rd Brigade Combat Team, 1st Infantry Division, often called the Duke Brigade or “Big Red One,” to celebrate the occasion.

Swelfer, 27, of Merrillville, Ind., also was joined by members of his family, who expressed pride in his actions, but little surprise.

Swelfer’s father, Edward, said his son was raised to help others, but he never expected him to receive the Silver Star, which is the third-highest military award for valor.
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http://www.armytimes.com/news/2009/12/ap_swelfer_silver_star_121309/