Definable moment of PTSD
by
Chaplain Kathie
The definable moment with PTSD is not the moment chaos stops your normal life, changes the way you look at the world or question your beliefs. It is this moment itself that will define who you become.
Definable able to be specified to have a particular function or operation
When you think you are prepared for whatever may come during combat the fact is, no one is really prepared for what they see any more than they are prepared for what they discover they are capable of doing. The compelling thoughts are not usually about being able to kill, but more willing to save. To save your country, your friends or the lives of the people you were sent to fight for.
The Revolutionary War was about fighting for the way this nation could be as much as it was fighting against what it was. The Civil War was about some people wanting to stay the same while others saw a need to change. These wars were on US soil. Other wars were fought for more complex reasons involving other nations. The result was some side won, some side lost, some people lived while other people died. Those sent never came home the same way no matter what reason, no matter what century.
The day you deployed was the day you said farewell to the person you had always been. You joined the ranks of the unique minority in this country we call veteran. No longer a citizen, no longer a soldier, you became a veteran. You will be a veteran for the rest of your life.
We can talk about all that comes when you need to "get over it" but can't. We can talk about the nightmares, flashbacks, mood swings and about how your life has been falling apart, but with all the information out there regarding PTSD, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, if you are still searching for hope, then you just haven't found what you're looking for. Rehashing what you already know or what you heard only to dismiss will not do much good right now.
So let's take this another step. You already know there is something wrong with you because of the way you act, the thoughts replaying in your mind, the voices and visions you can't escape. We already know about how you're pushing your family and close friends away from you, how you drink too much and how you pop too many pills, get too angry and snap at your kids. We know how you end up sleeping on the couch because you haven't had a good night sleep in a long time. All that is known but what you don't know is, where you are going from this moment on.
What is it you're looking for? Is it to just go back to the way you were? That isn't going to happen. No one is ever the same one day to the next but the changes may be subtle depending on what happened the day before, or extreme depending on those events. We all change. Usually we change slowly as one event builds on another, just like when the first child is born and we worry about everything but by the 5th child, we are a lot more relaxed. We adapt. Just as we adapt if we have a genetic condition and our children are born with health problems, then instead of relaxing, we wait for the next piece of bad news. We changed with good or bad news.
When you look back at your time in combat, there is usually at least one event eating away at you. You cannot change that event but with help you can make peace with it. You can make peace with all of your experiences but that depends on you.
Do you want to be cured? That isn't going to happen either. There is no cure but you can be healed. You can even come out on the other side better than the way you were before. Again that depends on you. Will you be defined by what you do to heal or what you refuse to do.
What is stopping you from getting help? Is it because your claim is tied up? Then find groups offering help for free as you fight to have your claim approved. Don't wait for the approval of the VA because we've all heard about the backlog of claims and denials that shouldn't have been denied. Talk to someone at least. Open up to someone you trust and let them know what's going on and then team up to find something that will help you between your service and your service being honored by the VA.
Are you ashamed? Ashamed of what? Being human? Feeling? Caring? Having compassion? After all, aren't all those things what were already in you in the first place? Were you ashamed when people said they always depended on you to help? Were you ashamed when your friends knew they could trust you with their problems? Were you ashamed of being able to love your spouse and your kids? All that you were is still there because it was in your soul. The only difference is, you feel things more deeply but instead of joyous feelings, you grieve.
Are you happy when only anger comes out? When your life was in danger or you saw friends die, anger was safe to feel. Anger kept you alive as adrenaline fueled it. Anger will do you no good once the danger is over because then you accept the idea everything is dangerous. Learn to live again by learning to feel again.
Everything is possible with PTSD but as time passes, there are things that cannot be reversed. The sooner you find help, the greater the chance of healing is. Look at is like an infection. The more time that passes without treatment for the infection, the deeper the scar and sometimes that scar will stay. PTSD is like that. The sooner treatment begins, the greater chance of healing without a deep scar left behind. Even for what cannot be reversed, you can learn tools to cope with what cannot be changed and make peace with it.
This is a definable moment for you as you read this. Do you want to heal or do you want to keep suffering? Do you want to be someone no one wants to be around or do you want to be the person ready to help others in need?
Will you allow PTSD to define the rest of your life or will you define how you live with PTSD?
