Pain from a roadside bomb pierces soldier's life
He and his wife endure long recovery at Wright-Pat and Georgia base that takes two years, 40 surgeries.
By Margo Rutledge Kissell
Staff Writer
Sunday, November 25, 2007
For two years Elizabeth Bowen watched her husband, Ryan, endure more than 40 surgeries, frequent nightmares and the devastating effects of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
Two years of a recovery that never seemed to follow a straight line.
So when her husband called distraught from a hotel room near Fort Stewart, Ga., she knew what to tell him: Go to the base hospital.
It was Oct. 26 and Ryan already had been in Georgia for six weeks, much of it spent waiting for word from the Army medical board that would determine his level of disability for injuries he received when a roadside bomb exploded under his tank in Baghdad during his second tour.
The 24-year-old Army specialist had just said goodbye to friends heading to Iraq for a third tour. "Some of these guys I've known since the first time," he said.
Back in his hotel room, his mind began racing. He started pacing, hyperventilating. Then he began to cry.
After talking to Elizabeth, he called a friend. The soldier, just days away from leaving the Army, gave him a choice. He could go to the hospital — or go to the bar.
There were countless nights over the past two years when that choice was no choice at all. Alcohol was his great escape.
But this time was different. This time Ryan Bowen chose the hospital.
"I didn't want one of those nights where I broke everything in the hotel or hurt myself," he said.
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You really need to read the rest especially if your spouse is going through any of these kind of nights. The nights are the worst for them.
In the 23 years we've been married, my husband and I have never slept in the same bed all night together. It was either he was on the couch, or I was. A couple of hours was just about all we could take before the tension made both of us uneasy. He couldn't stand anyone near him at night. This, I discovered on our honeymoon, would be a problem in our marriage unless we found a happy medium. We did. As a result there were many nights when I would hear more than the TV on all night long. I would wake to a loud noise, only to find something else had been broken. A remote control was usually the fatality. I eventually learned to not place any real attachment to things in our house. Jack would always try to go out and replace whatever it was or come close to it,but it was never the same.
Nightmares are just a part of all this. One of my first lessons in waking him up from a nightmare came from a fist clinched and another hand reaching out for my throat. He stopped himself in time and figured out where he was as it dawned on him who I was. (Not the enemy.) We all learn to adjust to things that are just not possible to have in this kind of marriage. Some have it a little better. They get to sleep in the same bed as their spouse. To them I strongly suggest you do not touch them if they are in the middle of a nightmare, because they are not really next to you. They are back there. Get out of bed so that they can't reach you. Go to the foot of the bed and gently call out their name. If that fails, gently touch their foot as you say their name. Do not shout. Black eyes happen too often and there have also been many broken noses.
When their nerves are on edge, so are your's. If you know where all of this is coming from, it's easier to get out of the way of it and not blame yourself. You have absolutely nothing to do with what they are going through but you have everything to do with how well they heal from it. Until they are ready, it is a daily prayer and finding the patience and strength to get through it all. I had to keep reminding myself what he was like in the beginning when PTSD was mild. Keep reassuring yourself that he or she, is still in there beneath the pain.
One other thing is that no matter how much you know, no matter how much knowledge you have on this subject, you will not be perfect in any of this. I still blow up as if I'm dealing with a person who is "normal" even though I know there is absolutely nothing "normal" about a combat veteran. Even the ones who come home seemingly fine without PTSD have their share of issues to overcome. We are a nation of over 300 million people yet we only have about 17 million combat veterans. They are in now way "normal" because war is not part of normal life. You will never understand them totally. After 25 years, I'm still learning things about them and there is still much more I will never know. When you put yourself in their place, you understand that what they are going through is a normal reaction to a series of very abnormal events. We can understand people dealing with PTSD when it is a one shot deal like a tornado or hurricane but we fail to understand when it happens to them day in and day out.
It still amazes me when Jack finally notices something that is obviously different. I've cut my hair a hundred times and drastically changed the style. Usually he notices about a month later when he looks at me and wonders when I did it. I've lost and gained a lot of weight only to lose it again and he never notices. At least he doesn't until I have to go out and buy new clothes.
I'm still not quite sure if it's mostly anger or defense that makes him crash things in the middle of the night. Sometimes it's both. It gets very frustrating for them to not be able to sleep all the way through the night peacefully. Even medications have Jack waking up every night but he is glad he can at least go back to sleep a lot sooner now with them.
If your husband or wife is going through this, it is extremely important that you are able to talk about it with someone who will understand. Holding it in isn't good for you because you begin to think there is something wrong with you. Find groups or a trusted friend to talk about it with. They don't need to give you advice because as much as they care about you, unless they are going through it, their advice is usually wrong. They tend to blame them instead of trying to understand. That's people in general. You're much better off with some with an open mind or experience. As the DOD and the VA ramp up help for them, they should also be setting up support groups and counseling for spouses. We need it as badly as they do.
