In a very bad mood

I may not be posting much today. I'm in a very bad mood. First my daughter's car had to go into the shop and a few calls later from the mechanic also meant a few hundred dollars more coming out of a credit card that is going to be maxed out. My DVD drive is not working on my PC and that means I can't get out some DVD copies of the videos I've done. It also means another repair bill. So excuse me if I feel sorry for myself today. Heck, we all have these kinds of days.

I'm no different than anyone else and right now I have to say that I'm regretting doing what I do because if I had a full time job, our financial situation would be a lot better. I never asked for money from anyone until I decided to do the DVD so that I could cover the cost of making them. Donations didn't even meet what these have cost me already. It never seems to end.

I realize that on the grand scale of things I am virtually no one. I don't know how to advertise what I do because I've been too busy doing what I do. I don't know how people get hundreds of thousands of hits on their videos and I'm lucky just to have a few hits a day. I have no clue how people can be included in Google alerts that come in all the time but mine don't. There was a time when you did a Google on PTSD, my link would pop up in the first two pagers somewhere but now, it won't even show up in 20 pages of results. Maybe I'm just not doing it right or maybe I just don't matter enough. I have no idea.

Today it just doesn't seem worth it at all. I keep wondering what all these years have been all about and searching my heart, I know that it was because I wanted people to know they were not alone and to understand what all of this was all about. Now there are web sites and support groups all over the globe. Maybe there is no point in doing this anymore anyway.

It dawned on me that I'm really depressed over everything going on today when I was reading about other people's problems and suddenly I was thinking "I have my own problems" and I just closed the site, moved on and then went to play a game to chill out.

We all have our own problems. Money trouble, marriage/relationship problems, work problems, health problems. No one is on this earth without any problems at all but maybe that's the point. The people who have very few problems are the ones who never seem to feel connected to someone else's problems. They just go along with their lives as if no one else really matters. There are other people who just think about their own problems and feel as if they should be their only concern. Not a pleasant place to be since right now, I'm apparently there. Maybe I'm burnt out? Maybe I'm just too insignificant to matter?

We have a nation filled with people who feel the same way when no matter what they do, they just don't seem to matter enough. I used to feel sorry for them but now I'm also one of them. When you feel as if you just don't matter, then it's hard to find the value in your existence. It's hard to even try.

Stress is terrible. It really sucks when you have a mountain of stress sitting on your head and pushing the weight of the world crushing you down. You keep looking for a hand to pull you up or take some of the weight off your head, but when it doesn't come you begin to wonder why the hell it's happening to you. You wonder what you did wrong in your life that you feel cursed. When life isn't fair, it's damn near impossible to find hope.

Sure, every once in a while we can catch a glimmer of hope in our life but that soon fades away and reality begins to bite you on the ass all over again. Your stomach turns sour and nothing tastes the way it used to. Your head fills with pressure and you're sure it's going to just explode. Your skin feels achy, as if that's possible but you know the ache is more than in your bones. Deep inside you search for the "what's" of what is possible, what did you do wrong, what can you do to get out of the mess you're in, what you can do to get the right person's attention, what you are not saying when you pray to God who is supposed to know everything. The words of Christ come into your brain and you think about how He said, "knock and it shall be opened" "seek and ye shall find" "ask and ye shall receive" and you wonder what the heck He was talking about because you know you've been knocking, asking and looking for a very long time but none of that seems to happen. Is it because you are not listening or because someone else isn't hearing?

Take all of this and add in flashbacks and nightmares as real as this post on this blog. Real time and parts of a real life. Add in knowing that what's wrong with you could be made better if only the right person was listening and ready, willing and able to help you. Your financial trouble would not be so bad if you got what you thought you were owed. Veterans with PTSD and other wounds know full well they wouldn't need to have help if they were not wounded. It's not about a free ride but about the other end of the deal for their service. Medication and therapy can help with the nightmares and flashbacks. What would help more is knowing that you do matter and someone is listening and caring about what does happen to you. You are not worthless than you were before when you were serving and you were needed and necessary. You also finally find hope again. Hope of better days and not all bad ones. Hope that you can actually feel like you matter enough that someone cared enough to help you up. Worthlessness is replaced by gratefulness and you begin to think that there are reasons to get up out of bed. You begin to reach out your own hand to help someone else because you know what kind of pain they're in and it doesn't matter how many you touch as much as the fact you touched someone.

So who is listening to them? Their families are but they have no power. Blogger are listening but most are just as powerless as I am. Some reporters are listening but too many want to focus on the bill that wants to make sure suicidal veterans don't get their hands on guns or the police academy that let a twisted jerk come out with "cause PTSD" as part of a slogan, than they are interested in the latest non-combat death coming out of Iraq and Afghanistan since there were just two more the other day. Are you listening to them? Do you care? Can you stop paying so much attention to yourself and your own problems to do something about all of this? Call your Senator and your Representative today, call your local officials and get them to come up with what they need today, not just two of three years from now. If we don't there will be a lot more finding the bottom end of the pit and they may never be able to lift their heads out of it again. How low can we let them go before we open the doors, have what they are looking for and ready to give them what they ask for? How much is hope worth to you today?

Put yourself in their place and maybe, just maybe you will be part of the solution instead of being part of the problem. If you are doing nothing then you are part of the problem because too many others are going through their lives the way I'm going through this one day out of thousands of them. We all have days like this as part of just living but imagine what you would be like if everyday was the same as your worse day.

Kathie Costos

Namguardianangel@aol.com

www.Namguardianangel.org

www.Namguardianangel.blogspot.com

www.Woundedtimes.blogspot.com

"The willingness with which our young people are likely to serve in any war, no matter how justified, shall be directly proportional to how they perceive veterans of early wars were treated and appreciated by our nation." - George Washington

Another non-combat death in Afghanistan

12/26/07 : DoD Identifies Air Force Casualty
Senior Airman Nicholas D. Eischen, 24, of Sanger, Calif., died Dec. 24 in Bagram Air Base, Afghanistan in a non-combat related incident. He was assigned to the 60th Medical Operations Squadron, Travis Air Force Base, Calif.

Another non-combat death in Iraq

Grosse Pointe Farms soldier killed in Iraq
12/26/2007, 5:07 p.m. EST
The Associated Press

GROSSE POINTE FARMS, Mich. (AP) — A 28-year-old soldier from suburban Detroit died Christmas day in Iraq, the military said.
Sgt. Peter C. Neesley, of Grosse Pointe Farms, died of an undetermined cause in a non-combat environment in Baghdad, the Defense Department said Wednesday in a release.
Neesley was assigned to the 3rd Squadron, 7th Cavalry Regiment, 2nd Brigade Combat Team, 3rd Infantry Division at Fort Stewart, Ga.

http://www.mlive.com/newsflash/index.ssf?/base/news-49/1198707268136790.xml&storylist=newsmichigan
Reminder we cannot assume this was linked to PTSD or to suicide. We won't know until the "investigation" is reported or the family speaks.

Forgetting fear? Forget about it.

This is worth a read for the idea alone but not for PTSD.

Can Fear Be Forgotten?
If fear really is all in our heads, Joseph LeDoux thinks he can eliminate it. The first step is to block out our memories

By Michael Behar December 2007
When I was nine years old, my family moved into a newly constructed home in a pleasant Seattle suburb. Within a few days, I began to notice an unsettling number of spiders creeping along baseboards, dangling in closets, and loitering under furniture. I convinced myself that the assault could only be because our digs had inadvertently razed some kind of spider civilization, and these guys were out for revenge. I remember being unable to sleep, spooked by the sight of an eight-legged nasty clinging to the ceiling, waiting to pounce. I would insist that my father leave the stairwell light on so I could track its every move, certain that under the cover of darkness the little monster would sneak into my bed and burrow into my ear canal, where it would lay its sticky spider eggs and spawn a whole new arachnid dynasty. I stuffed wads of toilet paper into my ears as a first line of defense.

Fast-forward 30 years, and I find my repulsion firmly entrenched, seemingly for good. On a recent business trip, I glimpsed a spider behind the nightstand in my hotel room. I summoned the concierge, who duly chased the evil critter into the hall with a broom. "No problem," he smirked when I apologized for my wimpiness. "Happens all the time."

There's a proven treatment for phobias called exposure therapy, better known as "facing your fears." I merely have to immerse myself in a bathtub with hundreds of spiders, let the insects crawl freely over my naked body, and voilà! I'll be cured.

Luckily, New York University neuroscientist Joseph LeDoux, the world's preeminent fear guru, agrees that this tactic might not be the most efficient remedy. Imagine forcing an aviophobe onto a plane—a severe panic attack could trigger a midair rerouting to the nearest loony bin. But LeDoux may have uncovered a better way. After a two-decade-long pursuit into the depths of the brain, LeDoux has shown that it's possible to eliminate deep-seated fears. All you have to do is remove the memory that created it.

Last year, in a landmark experiment in rats, LeDoux opened a path to doing just that. He showed that it's possible to obstruct the memory of a specific traumatic event without affecting other memories. He also demonstrated that when the memory was stifled, the fear it roused vanished as well.

This sudden ability to produce selective amnesia stunned the scientific community. It also offers unimaginable promise. It could relieve soldiers suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) or rid sexual abuse and rape victims of haunting memories. My spiders would be fair game, as would LeDoux's enduring aversion to snakes. Other researchers have been quick to adapt LeDoux's findings. One has already begun experimenting on human subjects, and a startup company has emerged that plans to eliminate fears in the comfort of your own home. All you need is a mail-order box of pills and the accompanying DVD.
go here for the rest
http://www.popsci.com/popsci/science/5c22cc494e617110vgnvcm1000004eecbccdrcrd.html

Why do I say that? Because I've had fears, just like most people have but I've also faced death a few times and I can tell you that the two things are totally different.

I fear public speaking. I will get up in front of a crowd with something I wrote and my tongue will stumble over my teeth. My hands shake and it's hard for me to read the speech. That's a fear but I overcome it by no longer reading speeches, opting instead to just address the crowd with what is in my heart and head. I'm not afraid to speak to people on a one to one basis spontaneously so I forget that I am talking to that many people all at once.

In this case my life was not on the line, just my pride. There were times in my life that my life was in danger. At 4 1/2, I was pushed from the top of a slide and landed on concrete head first. Talk about brain trauma! My scull was cracked and I had a concussion. This caused a fear of heights. Considering I'm doing a lot of flying since moving to Florida, it's something I overcame. I still don't like to fly but I don't have to get drunk anymore just to get on the plane.

Later in my early 20's I was in a car accident. I was rear ended and my car spun out of control ending up in a guard rail. I saw the car heading into it, held up my arms to cover my face. All I could think about was how pissed off my Mother would be to not have an open casket, aside from totally her car. I shouldn't be here now. Needless to say, saying I hate traffic would be an understatement. I still drive and overcame the fear but I also drive mostly in the center or right lane now instead of in the passing lane.

Physical abuse came from my ex-husband and someone else in my life. My father was a violent alcoholic who quit drinking when I was 13. The last life threatening time came after I delivered our daughter. I had an infection that never went away. My bladder ended up developing an infection that turn septic and I almost died then too with a massive infection and a fever of 105. I really shouldn't be here at all. Telling me to just get over the fear and equating it to the fear of public speaking proves some of these experts never faced their life on the line.

I don't have PTSD but I can fully appreciate how so many do develop it. The traumas I've been through go into who I am and what I am, as well as how I think, feel and function. Of all the nonsense I've heard in the treatment of PTSD, this I think is the one that ticks me off the most. Forgetting fear is not the same as making peace with it. And oh, by the way, I really hate spiders too. One landed in my hair when I was trying to kill it and got trapped there. I had really long hair and it must have taken my mother 15 minute just to find it. There are fears that are real and do change lives but those kinds of fears can be overcome. PTSD can be stopped from getting worse but you cannot cure it.

I get really tired of "experts" trivializing the kind of experiences people with PTSD go through and how it changes every aspect of their life. I wish they would finally get serious about this and rely on experts who know what it is like to have PTSD and survive having their lives on the line. Arachnophobia does not come close to a bullet or a bomb or the carnage of combat. What I lived through does not come close to what they go through. It does not come close to having been beaten or raped, surviving floods like the people in New Orleans, surviving fires or being an emergency responder. It does not make it into the ballpark of being a cop or a fireman and if you asked a combat veteran how close it comes to being one of them, they may be polite enough to not laugh in your face.

Kathie Costos
Namguardianangel@aol.com
www.Namguardianangel.org
www.Namguardianangel.blogspot.com
www.Woundedtimes.blogspot.com
"The willingness with which our young people are likely to serve in any war, no matter how justified, shall be directly proportional to how they perceive veterans of early wars were treated and appreciated by our nation." - George Washington

VA in crisis again

VA in Crisis
Tuesday, December 25, 2007, 10:01 PM
By Bob Priddy
Missouri's top veterans official says the Veterans Administration is in crisis again.

Executive director Hal Dulle of the state veterans commission says too many veterans have to wait too long to be accepted in the Veterans Administration system and then have to wait too long to get the medical help they need.

He says, his office works to get veterans to file for their benefits but the VA lacks the personnel to handle the paperwork efficiently. Dulle says the system isn't broken. He says it just doesn't have enough people to handle the increased number of veterans applying for services. The heavy burden is caused by an influx of Gulf war veterans seeking benefits at the same time many Vietnam veterans have decided after 40 years of not being involved...to sign up.

But once the paperwork is processed and the veteran is in the system----there's a lack of doctors. Dulle says part of that problem is that the VA has limited funds...and in a competitive world, the VA has trouble paying enough to keep the specialists the veterans want to see from going into private practice.
click post title for the rest


Why is it that when I read something like this I wonder what the hell have I been working for the last 25 years for? Why did I ever think that all that was needed was to get especially Vietnam veterans to seek help for PTSD like my husband did and the problem would be solved?

I've found so much hope over the last two years that the stigma of PTSD would finally dissolve because the media finally paid attention to it. I've never seen so many reports on PTSD and I was glad that I could see the end in what I do. What good has any of it done when people like me can get them to go for help and find that it isn't there for them? How long is this going to go on? How many more years can they be still paying the price for their service ending up being tortured by the system that was supposedly designed to help them?

I read almost every report coming out on PTSD from state to state and across the globe and right now I feel as if it has been one gigantic waste of time. All these years gone for what? Am I pissed off? You bet I am.

I got into all of this so that no other veteran or family of a PTSD would have to suffer needlessly. I expected a lot more out of this nation thinking that once the problem was known, this grateful nation would actually finally step up and prove it. What a fool I was! Years ago there was an excuse but that was so long ago you would think someone with the power to fix this system would have done it by now. You would think that the people in charge would finally live up to what they have claimed. You would also think that common sense and common decency would have caused monumental changes but then you would also have to think that all the elected actually deserve to have been elected to do their jobs.

We put up with men like Senator Larry Craig sitting on the committee and fighting tooth and nail against what veterans in this country need. What happened to him? Did they try to get him off the committee when his record showed he was not putting the interests of wounded veterans first? No. He got the boot from seeking sex in a bathroom stall from another guy who turned out to be an undercover cop. We put up with someone like Nicholson who not only allowed the VA to be under-funded but actually returned millions unused! When the GOP controlled all the committees we put up with their rants of whining over money they didn't want to spend at the same time they didn't bat a eyelash over the hundreds of billions Bush was asking for to make them wounded combat veterans. We also had to put up with the near silence of the Democrats who didn't think it was necessary to alert the media on the seriousness of any of this. Now they have the power they do not use it! Sure they took on Bush and the GOP to get these programs funded by they caved in on what is really needed and necessary. We need emergency funds and changes now, not years down the line only. They can build all the VA hospitals they want but unless they ramp up getting Veterans Centers operational, they will need even more hospitals and homeless shelters for the veterans they do not take care of today.

This is all bullshit! Who the hell is going to take care of the veterans I get to go for help?

Kathie Costos
Namguardianangel@aol.com
www.Namguardianangel.org
www.Namguardianangel.blogspot.com
www.Woundedtimes.blogspot.com
"The willingness with which our young people are likely to serve in any war, no matter how justified, shall be directly proportional to how they perceive veterans of early wars were treated and appreciated by our nation." - George Washington

Troubled veterans find heavenly haven at Shepherd's Heart

Troubled veterans find heavenly haven at Shepherd's Heart
By Mike Wereschagin
TRIBUNE-REVIEW
Wednesday, December 26, 2007


The softly-lit, green-hued hallway is quiet and warm, and the 10 men inside their rooms are safe for the moment.

Only memory can get to them here.

The Rev. Michael Wurschmidt walks slowly past the closed doors, a sentry in cleric's clothing.

"I never saw combat, but I know what it can do to someone," said Wurschmidt, pastor of Shepherd's Heart Fellowship in Uptown, an episcopal parish and home for homeless veterans.

As many as 250 veterans are homeless on any given night in Southwestern Pennsylvania, according to the VA Pittsburgh Healthcare System, the fifth-largest VA system in the nation. About 1,100 of the region's estimated 227,000 veterans are homeless at some point each year.

The estimates are based on visits to homeless shelters by Veterans Administration representatives.

"Following Vietnam, it took 10 years for us to realize this was a problem," said Wurschmidt, who works as a VA chaplain. "It's not going to take that long this time."

The Shepherd's Heart Veterans Home can house as many as 10 veterans. In its first six months, it has helped 18 veterans "graduate" to a more stable life, Wurschmidt said.
click post title for the rest

Homeless Veteran Shows Not All Gifts Come In Wrapped Packages

Homeless veterans celebrate Christmas
Updated: 12/25/2007 2:19 PM
By: Ryan Burgess



PITTSFIELD, MASS. -- Soldier On resident Eugene Vereen sits looking through an old prayer book. It's a simple way to celebrate Christmas.

"Today is a day of celebration for me, really from the inside, because not in my wildest dreams did I ever believe that I'd ever be here talking to you," said Vereen.

He's been here for three years now, along with other homeless veterans at Soldier On in Pittsfield. For many of them, celebrating Christmas brings mixed emotions.


WATCH THE VIDEO
Homeless veterans celebrate Christmas
It's the spirit of Christmas that can get some people through difficult times and for some formerly homeless veterans, they're now trying to live this spirit every day. Our Ryan Burgess has the story.
go here for the rest
http://www.capitalnews9.com/content/top_stories/default.asp?ArID=228009

Idaho Police Academy slogan "Don't suffer from PTSD, go out and cause it,"

Idaho police academy 'mortified' by gung-ho PTSD slogan


The Associated Press

BOISE, Idaho — Idaho law enforcement leaders say they were "mortified" when a group of state police academy graduates chose a slogan that many felt was just too gung-ho.


The slogan, "Don't suffer from PTSD, go out and cause it," was emblazoned on the Dec. 14 graduation programs for 43 officers who completed the Idaho Police Officer Standards and Training Academy's latest course.

PTSD, short for post-traumatic stress disorder, typically afflicts people who have endured civilian violence, military combat and other extremely dislocating experiences.

"That's not something we encourage or condone," Jeff Black, director of the police training academy in Meridian, told the Spokesman-Review newspaper this week. "It shouldn't have been there. It was inappropriate."
go here for the rest
http://www.theolympian.com/northwest/story/309436.html


I'd really like to know what twisted POS came up with this one. It's Christmas so that is all I have to say on this one today.

YouTube Tribute video to A Fallen Hero

A Fallen Hero

About This Video

Added: December 24, 2007
The Department of Defense announced today the death of a soldier who was supporting Operation Iraqi Freedom. Spc. Micheal D. Brown, 20, of Williamsburg, Kan. died Oct.16 in Landstuhl Regional Medical Center, of a non-combat related illness after being transported from Tikrit,Iraq on Oct.15. He was assigned to the 1st Battalion, 1st Aviation Regiment, 1st Combat Aviation Brigade, 1st Infantry Division, Fort Riley, Kansas. He joined the army in February of 2005 and arrived at Fort Riley in September of that same year. This was his second deployment.

The video is on the right side of this blog. It is a beautiful tribute.

It doesn't matter which side you take in all of this, they matter, they should matter to all of us. Think of how we all fight for them. Both sides have their hearts in the right place. It is all about them.

I read it many times that we need to keep politics out of war. The problem is, politics begin wars, wage wars and end wars. Most of the country does not agree with any part of the occupation of Iraq. Some, like me, believe that Iraq is a direct cause of what is happening in Afghanistan and Pakistan. This was supposed to be about our defense and our security. It jeopardizes more lives in both operations. That is what matters to most of us. It stopped being about one political side against the other a long time ago. It became those who support Bush and those who support the troops years ago.

War bloggers want to glorify war. I want to make it personal. I want every soldier to be treated as if they were a member of your own family. I want people to pray for them as if they were your son or daughter. More, I want you to welcome them home the same way you would want your child welcomed home.

You wouldn't want them to suffer with PTSD knowing that the sooner they get help to heal their wound the better the chances of a brighter future will be. You wouldn't want them "dishonorably discharged" when they are in fact wounded and were wounded in service to this nation. You wouldn't want them to be trapped in a long line of other veterans waiting to have their wounds treated. You wouldn't want them to lose all hope of healing and you certainly wouldn't want to find their body because of suicide.

All of them should be regarded as our own family because that is what they are. They are a vital part of this nation. That's what makes what is being done to them the most appalling of all. Being wounded for the nation's cause is the nation's responsibility. It is our obligation to them and yes, even if it means taking care of them for the rest of their lives, the same lives they were willing to lay down for the nation who ordered them to go.

They live up to their obligations everyday. When will we live up to our's?

Homeless for the holidays

Local veterans share stories of life on the streets
By EARL KELLY, Staff Writer
Published December 24, 2007
Magnetic ribbons on the back of cars read "Support our troops" and hint at heroic struggles endured for a grateful nation. But the veterans living on cots in homeless shelters around Anne Arundel County this holiday season tell another tale.

In interviews over the past two weeks, The Capital listened to seven homeless veterans - six men and one woman - who served honorably in the Army, Navy, Air Force and Marines. They were medics, security officers, supply clerks, weapons specialists and aircraft mechanics. They served, on average, five years, and their pay grade when discharged ranged from low-level enlisted ranks to the mid-level, from E-3 to E-6.

Their average age today is 48, and their slide into homelessness didn't come all of a sudden.
Rather, these people have spent years spiraling downward to where they are today.

Five of the vets were interviewed at Gloria Dei! Lutheran Church in Arnold, which is one of the churches that participates in the Winter Relief Program. Two others were interviewed at The Light House Shelter on West Street in Annapolis.

Most of the seven vets grew up in Anne Arundel County, and all of them now call its towns and communities home.
go here for the rest
http://www.hometownannapolis.com/cgi-bin/read/2007/12_24-26/TOP