Here's a bucket list for living after combat trauma
by
Chaplain Kathie
Two people can look at the same thing at the exact same time but see it differently. Why? Life experiences form the things they focus on. In the movie The Bucket List, Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman end up in a hospital room with the same kind of cancer. Nicholson is rich while Freeman is working class struggling to get by. Nicholson lived his life for himself while Freeman lived his life for his family. This beautiful movie told a story on life experience. Nicholson didn't know how to care but he knew how to live and see the world. Freeman knew how to care but he didn't know how to live and enjoy living. They taught each other because of their life experiences and ended up being better for having known each other.
The Bucket List (2007)
Directed by Rob Reiner. With Jack Nicholson, Morgan Freeman, Sean Hayes
With Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, three soldiers can go through the same exact experience at the same exact time but see it three different ways. Life experience plays a role here too but so does their character. One may be fairly selfish, focused on their own survival more than what is happening around them. Another will focus on all of it, balanced between self and others. Yet a third will focus on everyone else first and then themselves last.
This third soldier has the qualities heroes are made of. They focus on others first and that is what compels them to set themselves aside for the sake of someone else. When you read the accounts of the Medal of Honor recipients included in their actions most of the time is the fact they were wounded but somehow managed to remain focused on other people instead of their own wounds. Their lives were in as much danger as others but they managed somehow to rise above all of the fears everyone else was going through.
Simple humans doing extraordinary acts are around us all the time. We read about average citizens risking their own lives to help someone else and we call them heroes. Then there are everyday stories we encounter but seemingly on such a small scale, no one else would pay attention to the outcome. A stranger helps someone up when they fall. Another gets out of their car to push a broken down car to the side of the road. Hospital volunteers go to sit with a lonely patient to just hold their hand, a listening ear or even something as small as a smile. All of these people we see everyday manage to set themselves aside for the sake of someone else. They have the same problems the rest of us do but while others focus only on themselves, they put others first.
When a soldier comes home with his/her life experience during combat, some take it all back with them. All the emotions, fears, heartache and anger come back to the civilian world. They worry about telling someone so that they won't "look bad" in someone else's eyes. They are the last people to ask for help because it is not in their character. They are the helpers. Once they understand that even helpers need to be helped, they begin to be more willing to accept it from someone else.
Usually as soon as they begin to open up and heal the first thing they want to do is help someone else. They have the life experience to know exactly what other soldiers are going through. They know they can help and that drives them more than their own desire for themselves.
There are heroes all across this country and they do extraordinary things everyday because they think of others first. They don't do it for medals or for honors. They do it because they care. They can do it because they have the life experiences to help them understand and they have the ability to care about a stranger enough to help.
The very factor within their character that enabled them to care enough to serve also created the conditions within them to be deeply affected by it but in the end, it is also what will compel them to help others one the other side of the darkness of PTSD.
Here's a bucket list for living
First seek help for yourself so that you can help others after.
Look at what haunts you in your combat life experience but watch the whole "movie" in your mind instead of just the moments that torment you. What were you feeling before it happened? What was going on around you? What did you intend to do? If it grieved you afterward then ask yourself how anyone with a "bad" soul would have managed to care at all? The last question to ask yourself is; Would you forgive someone else who went through the same thing and did what you had to do? Then forgive yourself.
Look at the people in your life. Did you love them? Did they love you? You are still the same person but for now you have some pain inside of you. What would you do if it was someone you loved? Would you try to help them or judge them? Would you want them to talk to you and would you be willing to listen so you could understand? Then allow them the same response to you. You don't have to get into gory detail or a moment by moment account to them. All you need to do is let them know what you are feeling at this moment and help them understand it. Leave talking about the gory details to the professionals getting paid to listen to you. Would you want to be left in the dark and wondering what you did wrong if someone changed the way they act around you? Then let them know so they stop wondering what they did wrong.
Be proactive in your healing. Be honest with your doctors and don't hold back. If you are given drugs that leave you feeling worse, tell them. If you are in a treatment program that isn't working for you, tell your doctor and ask for something else to try. Keep trying because there is no one size fits all treatment.
Do things that calm you down. Take walks, listen to soft music, watch movies without violence and play video games that have nothing to do with violence. Try meditation, Yoga, martial arts to help your body relearn how to calm down.
If you are having a hard time finding someone you think will understand what you are going through as a veteran, then try it as a person instead. We all have life experiences and most of us have had traumatic experiences to different degrees. Talk to them like a regular person. Start out with talking about how people die in normal life to help them understand how you feel about a friend dying in combat. Ask them if they ever saw a horrific accident and then help them understand how you cannot forget what you saw. You don't even have to tell them what it was. Just talk to them about what you felt afterward and how that has been bothering you. Other people have had traumatic events but they cannot rationalize how they were changed by them but once you start to talk to them, they begin to see the relationship between events and what comes after.
Other people may not be able to understand what it is like to be a combat veteran but they can understand what it is like to be a human with experiences that do in fact weigh heavily on someone's soul.
You'll be surprised to discover how much you can heal when you remember you are only human and no one is ever in a position when they don't need help from someone else.
