PTSD book review turns into sharing moment for reporter

'Lethal Warriors': When PTSD Makes Soldiers Self-Destruct
LEAH CARROLL

Leah Carroll has written book reviews for Publishers Weekly and TheRumpus and has been published in the New York Times.

NOV 11 2010, 11:00


In the summer of 1997 I drove with my father from Rhode Island to Washington, D.C. to visit the Vietnam memorial. We left in the middle of the night. I dangled my feet out the passenger side window. My father gave off fumes of whiskey as he drove. We arrived just as the sun was rising over the Capitol and made our way to the Wall.

We stayed for about an hour. Around us, men in motorcycle jackets pressed paper to the wall and delicately traced the names of friends who had not survived the conflict. Standing behind us was a man in an impeccable suit. He wept behind mirrored Ray-Bans.

"Is it an anniversary or something?" I asked.

My father shook his head, disappointed with me. "It never goes away for us, Leah."

On our way back to the car we came across a homeless man. "Anything you got," he said, folding up his cardboard sign to hold out a cup. My father reached into his pockets, digging out a fistful of change. The homeless man looked more closely, wrinkled his forehead, and said, "Kevin?"

My father looked up. "Hey man," he said and held out his hand. They locked fingers for a moment before letting go.

"Who was that?" I asked as we walked away.

"A guy I was in Vietnam with," said my father.

"Seriously?" I asked. It seemed too staged, too unreal.

He fixed that disappointed look on me again. "There but for the grace of God, go I," he said.

My father died a little more than a year later. He was proud of his service, but in his suicide note he listed Vietnam as one of the things that had "ruined his mind." I have thought about this moment in Washington, D.C. many times over the years, particularly when the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan began. Would one of those soldiers one day panhandle from a former Army buddy? Might one of them one day leave a suicide note for his or her daughter?
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When PTSD Makes Soldiers Self-Destruct