When in harms way reaches back home

Thank you Mrs. Mullen! This really needs to be talked about because it is a very real problem, not just for the military wives but for veterans wives as well.

When they are deployed, the worst is possible while they are in harms way. The fear of them dying or being seriously wounded is always there until they walk thru the door again. That's when the families are needed the most but usually they have received so little while a spouse is deployed, they are unprepared for what they may face and even less prepared to cope.

How do you watch a stranger walk thru the door when the man you fell in love with, planned a future with, stood by and supported, never came home but the guy in your husband's body did? If you know what can happen, especially with PTSD, then you are more able to cope with the changes and the challenges of helping them heal instead of blaming yourself. If you have no clue, then it's easy to find blame in them as well as yourself. When this happens, you feel worthless. You believe you must have done something wrong. You believe it's all your fault they changed. You believe they "hate" you for a reason and you deserve it. All of this enters into your mind as you watch your life fall apart.

What you are watching is your marriage being infected by the same wound infecting your spouse. If you know what it is then you have tools to support the fact this has nothing to do with you, you didn't cause it but you sure as hell can beat it for their sake. After all, you know them better than anyone else and you'll be the first to see changes in the way they act. If you know what you're looking at, then you can fight it but if you don't the reason for all of it is only shown in your bathroom mirror. It's not your fault. It isn't their fault either. You don't deserve it but they don't deserve it either.

Your marriage does not have to end. Chaos does not have to rule over your house. You can help them if you get the support you need to do it. As hard as it was for my marriage to last 25 years to my Vietnam vet, it is harder on the current military spouse because of the redeployments along with military life itself. You need all the help you can get so that you can turn around and help another wife heal her marriage. Take heart that the military is finally getting this and God willing someday soon you'll get the help you need. It's not all hopeless and you are not helpless.

Wife Says Military Spouses Also Face Suicide Risk

By THE ASSOCIATED PRESS
Published: January 13, 2010

WASHINGTON (AP) -- The wife of the chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff had a message Wednesday for those trying to prevent military suicides: Don't forget the spouses.

Deborah Mullen said Army leaders told her that they lack the ability to track suicide attempts by family members of Army personnel.

''I was stunned when I was told there are too many to track,'' Mullen said, speaking on stage at a military suicide prevention conference next to her husband, Adm. Mike Mullen.

She urged the military to get a better handle on the problem and implement prevention measures with spouses in mind.
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Wife Says Military Spouses Also Face Suicide Risk

Veteran Suicides Prompts Immediate Response and Action

Veteran Suicides Prompts Immediate Response and Action from VA and SEN. Murray
The Military Wire received numerous emails regarding yesterday's news of the government report acknowledging double digit increases in veteran suicides. If you or someone you know is contemplating suicide, reach out. Suicide is final. It has generational impact - on a personal note, my family experienced this in October 2009 and it will stay with us forever.

Post this number: National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-TALK (8255).

The military and our government are not taking yesterday's news lightly. The VA stated that suicide rates among veterans between the age 18 - 29 went up 26 percent from 2005 to 2007 and continued to climb in 2008 and 2009, reaching record levels in 2009.

This has prompted the VA to consider more stringent protocols be put in place on how to handle veterans contemplating suicide
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Veteran Suicides Prompts Immediate Response and Action

PTSD? What were you thinking?

Some people have a problem when I use the word "soul" but have an easier time accepting the term "heart" so on this post, let's stick to that term.

If you were thinking you wanted to kill instead of defeat when you entered into the military, then you shouldn't worry about PTSD hitting you. The level of your compassion is so low, the possibility of you being wounded by what used to be called Soldier's Heart, is extremely low.

If you were thinking you wanted to defend your country, wanted to give back, wanted to be a part of something noble, then you should remember that, embrace that and understand that.

The notion of Rambo figures running around Iraq and Afghanistan is part of the problem. Added to that is the view of the military that men and women can toughen their minds to prevent PTSD. What they do not know understand is that you cannot prepare your mind to stop being "who" you are inside. You can however use that mind of your's to heal faster if you know how to make it work together.

A Marine regretting the fact he survived when a buddy didn't was supported when another Marine was responsible for the fallen Marine being on that road that night. The Marine who stayed behind blamed the survivor for the other life being lost simply because he was feeling the guilt of it happening, but wanted to deflect it onto the Marine already hurting because it was not him instead. Two feeling guilty for still being alive when there was nothing they could have done to prevent it and were not in control of what happened.

A National Guards soldier tried to commit suicide twice before he understood what PTSD was, why it picked on him just as he couldn't understand why that final image could not leave his mind. He had forgotten about the fact he did everything possible to prevent taking lives of civilians in Iraq.

They are all trying to find themselves beneath the pain. Most want to go back to the way they were before and those are the only words they want to hear. They don't want to accept the fact that every even in our lives changes us by our experiences. They don't want to hear they cannot be cured, so when they are told they can be healed, that's just not good enough. Yet when they are told they can come out of this darkness better and stronger, this gives them hope based in reality.

The guilt they feel can be released if they can stop and think about what was in their heart before the life altering traumatic event happened. If they ask themselves what they were thinking before it happened, then they are able to forgive themselves for the outcome. The callous will not bother with guilt so surviving is a good thing. The compassionate will walk away with their own pain as well as the pain of others and this is what needs to be focused on to begin the healing.

Even for those put into positions where they did end up getting so angry they were trying to kill off as many as possible, forgiveness can happen once they understand that every other event has contributed to their change in attitude.

They need to see who they always were inside and then, then they can use the "old" them to help them heal. It all depends on what they were thinking in those horrifying moments out of their lives what happens to the rest of their lives after.

How can they come out better? Because every event in our lives goes into who we become. If we understand it, accept it, learn from it, grow with it, then we can heal it. Once there, as a survivor, people stand stronger because it did not destroy them, all the goodness within them, all the compassion within their heart and all their courage are made stronger and deeper.

Mass. restores funding for veterans clinics

Mass. restores funding for veterans clinics

The Associated Press
Posted : Wednesday Jan 13, 2010 6:41:31 EST

BOSTON — Gov. Deval Patrick says two outpatient veterans clinics in Massachusetts that had been closed because of the state’s budget crisis will reopen.

The state cut $1.89 million from the clinics at the state soldiers’ homes in Chelsea and Holyoke, prompting both to end outpatient services, and sparking outrage from veterans and their advocates statewide. The clinics provide free outpatient care, including vision and dental care, physical therapy and a pharmacy.
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Mass. restores funding for veterans clinics

Bereaved kin push for more condolence letters

Bereaved kin push for more condolence letters

By Kimberly Hefling - The Associated Press
Posted : Wednesday Jan 13, 2010 7:49:40 EST

WASHINGTON — Army Pfc. Brian Matthew Williams, 20, took his own life the day before he was to return to Iraq. Because it was a suicide, the president didn’t send a condolence letter to his family. Nobody has planted a tree in his honor or carved his name onto a memorial wall.

Advocates for bereaved military families say soldiers like Williams deserve better. They’re asking President Obama to send condolence letters to the next of kin of troops who die under a variety of circumstances not directly related to the war.

“Every military family pays a price when a loved one serves in the military,” Bonnie Carroll, a military widow who founded the advocacy group Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors, wrote in a letter sent to Obama on Tuesday, as veterans and military officials met in Washington for a four-day suicide prevention conference.

“Their loved ones stand ready to go into harm’s way to protect our country,” Carroll wrote. “Their deaths are painful to their surviving family members, regardless of the circumstances or location of the death.”
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http://www.armytimes.com/news/2010/01/ap_military_condolence_letters_011310/